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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28550913">Paradise of Grey</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/HeyOokido/pseuds/HeyOokido'>HeyOokido</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Pocket Monsters | Pokemon (Main Video Game Series), Pocket Monsters | Pokemon - All Media Types, Pocket Monsters: Black &amp; White | Pokemon Black and White Versions</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Depression, Gen, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Self-Harm</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-11 00:01:07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,084</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28550913</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/HeyOokido/pseuds/HeyOokido</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Not long after his battle with Ghetsis, Touya slowly falls into a deep, dark depression. His days get darker and darker as he loses the motivation to live, but a familiar face comes by to try his hardest to reignite the flame from inside him.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Darkness</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I use the Japanese name for Hilbert, I do apologize to anyone who finds it annoying.</p>
<p>This first chapter is a lot of nothing, I promise more will happen later on.</p>
<p>Loosely inspire by Perfume Of Love by Globe.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Cold fog washed over the early autumn morning air, Nimbasa City grew loud with the sound of the world starting their day.</p><p>Touya shivers as a rush of cold wind brushes by him; his hoodie was of no help with the icy chills that haunted him. His fingers grip the cuffs of his jacket, pulling them down to cover his palms as he shifts his legs together, hoping to create some kind of warmth.</p><p>Ever since the fight with Ghetsis, Touya’s mind had become suffocated by darkness. His thoughts plunged into melancholy and his days grew to a putrid shade of grey. After he defeated the criminal mastermind, he continued spending his days exploring the region, but as time passed he found himself spiralling further into his depression, to the point where he barely could talk himself out of bed every day, until one day he finds himself back home at Nuvema and he doesn’t even bother to get up anymore.</p><p>His icy fingers fiddle with his sleeves, observing the way the ribs of the cuffs stretch and twist with the movement of his hands.  His mind so fixated on the fabric, he didn’t notice the Pidoves that gather around his feet. </p><p>When he first started his adventure, Touya loved to befriend the bird Pokemon that resided in Nimbasa, using some of his battle money to buy Oran berries, then finding a lone bench in the amusement park to sit at and feed the wild birds with, throwing the berries to the ground and watching the flying Pokemon swarm around to eat them, the friendlier Pidoves landing on his lap letting him handfeed them. But now he can’t even find the energy to glace at them, let alone feed them. </p><p>He feels his phone in his pocket vibrate from an incoming text, pulling him out of his thoughts; just before they spiral out out of control, and he likely ends up doing something drastic. </p><p>Again.</p><p>He ignores the buzzing at first, not sure if it’s worth the energy to pull out his phone, until what felt like a wave of messages flood through, fed up with the feeling of the tough fabric of his pants scratching at his fragile skin with each buzz, does he finally decide to check them.</p><p>He presses the power button on the side of his phone and the screen lights up, his eyes taking a few seconds to focus before he sees them, 2 messages from Bianca and 3 from Cheren. Touya sighs heavily, as he turns it back off and stuffs it into his hoodie pocket.</p><p>Touya knows the two care about him, they were always coming up with ideas to get him out of his room, with promises of fun days out: dinner in Striaton City, shopping in Castelia, swimming in Humilau or a visit to the theme park in Nimbasa, but none of those offers ever sparked enough life within Touya to convince him to get out of the house.</p><p>It didn’t help that Touya felt even worse when he was with them. The blissful happiness they radiated, permanent smiles pasted on their faces and the boundless energy they had made him feel even more alienated. Every smile they made or laughter that left their lips made Touya feel more that he was falling into a world of grey; they happier they were, they greyer his world became. </p><p>He hated it.</p><p>Every moment of every day he was reminded that he was almost an alien to this world. Every day he felt stares bore holes in the back of his neck, the weight of expectations of the hero who saved Unova, and the kid who beaten the champion weighed heavier on his back with each passing day. And yet the world chastised him for the darkness his mind fell in. The same world that caused him to fall into a depression was the one who berated him for having it.</p><p>Touya looks up at the sky, taking a deep breath in; as he watches the clouds go past. He ponders over something for a few seconds before he pulls out his phone again, and properly reads the messages he received.</p><p>The most recent one was from Cheren;</p><p>
  <em>-Bianca and I went to visit you, but when we got there your mom said she asked you to leave the house for some fresh air and that you then flew away without saying anything.  We’re just checking in to see if you’re okay!</em></p><p>
  <em>
    <em>He sighs, realising he probably made his mother worry by just leaving without telling her where he was going, then deciding that he was going to try to visit a pokemart on the way home to get her a gift as an apology, he felt she deserved one considering what she had to put up with because of him.</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>Touya thumbs tap the screen a few times, before he sends his response:</p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>
<em>-Im fine dont worry. At nimbasa.</em></p><p>
  <em>
    <em>
      <em>
        <em></em>
      </em>
    </em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>
      <em>
        <em>Touya couldn’t muster up the energy to write full sentences or use correct grammar, and all he need to do was to let them to know he was safe so they’d stop worrying about him for the time being.</em>
      </em>
    </em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>
      <em>
        <em></em>
      </em>
    </em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>
      <em>
        <em>His thumb plays with the case of his phone, snapping it on and back off again as his eyes explore around him, in desperate hopes to keep him distracted enough to avoid the obtrusive thoughts. </em>
      </em>
    </em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>
      <em>
        <em></em>
      </em>
    </em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>
      <em>
        <em>Many families entered in the park, young kids excited to go on the rides, their parents trailing behind them, unable to keep up with the kids’ energized pace. The sight of the dozens of happy families enjoying their day out reminded him of his childhood, a time where he was happy; a memory that felt far of and hazy to the boy. His mind scrambled around to find traces of those memories, of Touya as a young boy, dragging his mother by her wrist as he sprinted as fast as his tiny legs could take him, ecstatic to go on all the rides he was allowed on. </em>
      </em>
    </em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>
      <em>
        <em></em>
      </em>
    </em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>
      <em>
        <em>If only he could go back in time, before he started him Pokemon adventure, this would’ve never happened, he could’ve been happy. If only he didn’t fight Ghetsis, he could’ve been fine. If he had left Ghetsis to be dealt with someone else; like Cheren or Bianca, then he would be okay now. He always though they were stronger than him anyway, mentally at least. At least they would've been mature in the situation, not let it get to them like Touya did, like a child would.
      </em>
    </em>
  </em>
</em></p><p>
  <em>
    <em>
      <em>
        <em></em>
      </em>
    </em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>
      <em>
        <em>His eyes fall to the ground, the realisation that even when he tried to distract himself from the depressive thoughts, that they always found a way to slowly crawl back.</em>
      </em>
    </em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>
      <em>
        <em></em>
      </em>
    </em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>
      <em>
        <em>It felt like those thoughts were talking over his life.</em>
      </em>
    </em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>
      <em>
        <em></em>
      </em>
    </em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>
      <em>
        <em>Touya had his attention pulled away from the darkness once again when a pair of green sneakers and beige pants stepped into view.</em>
      </em>
    </em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>
      <em>
        <em></em>
      </em>
    </em>
  </em>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. A Spark</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>N finds Touya in Nimbasa, and once he realises what's wrong, swears to do everything he can to help him.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I barely proofread this oops.<br/>I should also clarify: I added in modern conveniences because its so hard to write with what basic technology they give you so sorry Xtransceiver, maybe if you were the HGSS pokegear I would've kept you (bless the pokegear)<br/>Also this isn't ishhushipping, and I'm not going to make it that, or any other ship for that matter. They're purely platonic friends. If any interaction I write seems to be on the romantic side, its not shipping, I'm just basing this off my personal friendships, and in a lot of them we acted very smitten but were never in a relationship.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Hello.” N’s word’s cut through the ringing silence in Touya’s ears.</p>
<p>Touya feels his breathing getting lodged in his throat, his heart beating loudly in his ears; N was back. After all this time, he finally came back to him.</p>
<p>“N.” Was the only thing he could spit out, voice barely audible against the lively world around them. N frowns; he could already see that something was different with the boy, his words rung with red flags telling that Touya had almost lost all life within him. </p>
<p>“It’s nice to see you again.”</p>
<p>Touya almost chokes on his words. “You’re back.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The two of them sat there, on a lone bench off side a path in Nimbasa Park, their conversation almost silent. N would ask questions out loud, which were occasionally responded far too late with almost inaudible short answers, and other times weren’t ever answered at all. Every few minutes N made sure to look over to the boy next to him, just to see he hadn’t fallen asleep or snuck away without him noticing.</p>
<p>N was still perplexed as to why Touya had become so quite. He remembered before had left, that the boy was so full of life an excitement, his voice once loud and happy, his eyes burning with excitement, yet all of that was gone, almost as if the boy sitting next to him wasn’t actually Touya.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The two of them watch the sun slowly rise higher in the sky, the air around growing slowly in heat. N was thankful he had only worn a simple button up, but he noticed Touya had a black t-shirt peeking out from under his wool insulated hoodie.</p>
<p>“Aren’t you warm?” N asks “It’s only autumn.”</p>
<p>“I’m fine” Touya’s words still barely audible, the noise from the world around them not helping, almost drowning the boy’s voice out.</p>
<p> N studied the younger boy’s face, noticing the small details that revealed that the Touya he had come to know was not the one sitting beside him. Before, Touya’s eyes had flecks of gold; the irises drew intricate patterns, which made anyone who noticed trace them with their eyes in a trance, but now his eyes had lost all their shine. The eyes that once reminded N of rich soils that gave life to the world and warms cups of coffee that could soothe the soul, now were hollow and grey, like dried blood stains on fabric or trees that had long since withered away. Heavy bags sat under them, accompanied with skin that was much to pale for the boy. </p>
<p>He also noticed the state of Touya’s hair, which was no longer fluffy, now oily and full of tangles, N holding back to the urge to rake his fingers though it and try to brush out some knots. His eyebrows were almost in a permanent state of being furrowed, while the rest of his face hung in despondency.</p>
<p>“There’s something wrong isn’t there?’</p>
<p>Touya’s face went to small smile; N could read him far too well, but as quickly the emotion appeared, it had then disappeared, replaced by the same dispassionate expression he been wearing before. N still noticed the smile, even if it had only lasted for a fraction of a second, which made his nerves burn with joy, knowing there was still hope left for Touya, even if Touya himself couldn’t see it.</p>
<p>“Yeah.” He breathes out. “There’s a lot wrong.”  He almost laughs at his own statement.</p>
<p>“Do you wish to speak about it?” N quizzed. Touya responded almost instantly, shaking his head very lightly, but enough for the older one to see.</p>
<p>“That’s okay.” he sighs, wishing he would instead open up, instead of supressing it all in his heart, but knowing there was not much he can do if Touya simply doesn’t want to talk about it.</p>
<p>The two sit in an awkward silence, N turned to face Touya, a small smile on his face, while Touya sat, slumped forwarded, his eyes fixated on the brick pathway beneath his feet.</p>
<p>N grabs Touya’s arm, which N supposed was to make them feel closer, and help him be a bit more open, but was suddenly stopped when he felt Touya flinch from it. His eyes sharpen as he ponders over the theories swimming around in his head, before looking over at the boy who was staring far off in the distance, obviously attempting to avoid eye contact with him.</p>
<p>N twists Touya’s arm slowly, so that his wrists were facing upwards. His hands start to tremble and his heart pounds loudly in his ears as he grabs the sleeve cuff with his free hand and attempts to pull it up, despite his shakiness making it difficult.</p>
<p>He fights the nauseous feeling growing in his stomach as he pulls it up, revealing red and white scars that littered the small, frail arm.  N looks up at Touya’s face which had scrunched up, making it had for to discern any emotion from it - except maybe annoyance. He lowers his gaze back down to the wrist in front of him, and takes a proper look at the scars; which were all varied in their size and colour, some deep enough to have needed stitches, others that appeared recent enough that N suspected he did it the night before.</p>
<p>“You could’ve called…” N’s words were soft, barely above a whisper.</p>
<p>“I know…” Touya still looked off in the distance, wishing that N would drop the subject, or walk away and leave him to be isolated again, but he knew that N would never do something like that.</p>
<p>And part of him was glad.</p>
<p>“Does anyone else know?” N quizzed, internally praying that getting Touya to talk would help him open up even more.</p>
<p>Touya slowly turns around, and when his eyes met N’s his breaths got caught in his throat and the sound of his heart racing blared in his ears. “Mom had to take me to the hospital a few time to get stitches.” His voice was near mute, it looked to N almost as if it pained him to talk. “I think she thinks I’ve stopped though.” </p>
<p>“Seems like she’s trying to help.” </p>
<p>“Yeah.”  Touya coughs out.  “She helped me get on meds too.”</p>
<p>“Did they work?”</p>
<p>“I guess.” He mutters. “I can get out of bed now so…”</p>
<p>N smiles, but it doesn’t reach his eyes. He’s happy to know that Touya was getting better, but it was also torturing him inside to discover that he’d suffering so much for so long; and that this wasn’t even the worst of it.</p>
<p>“That’s good to hear. The first step is always the most important.” He almost laughs at his cheesy statement. </p>
<p>The tiniest of smiles appear on Touya’s face, only a smile of amusement, but N was happy to see it none the less. “That’s what my mom and the doctor kept on saying.”</p>
<p>N smiles. “Well it’s true.” He says, the younger one simply humming in response. </p>
<p>Silence hung between them for a few moments.</p>
<p>“I’m glad you shared this with me.” </p>
<p>Touya simply nods, acknowledging the other boy’s statement. N’s eyes drift away from Touya, to look at the other patrons of the park, watching dozens race around; lining up for rides, vendor food in hand, kids dragging their parents by the wrist, impatiently running to their favourite rides and couples with their arms linked, eyes glued to the trains speeding on the roller coaster tracks, filling the air with screams of excitement.</p>
<p>N hums to himself for a second. “Hey-” he speaks up, looking over to ask the younger boy a question. “Do you want to go on the ferris wheel again?”</p>
<p>He ponders over the idea for a second, before standing up and looking over to N, silently accepting the invitation. </p>
<p>N quickly gets up, and follows the other boy down the short paved road to his favourite carnival ride. Fortunately, the queue up for it was a short one, leaving Touya with not much time to check his phone before they found themselves in one of the carriages.</p>
<p>They take a seat opposite each other and stare out the compartment door’s window, as they slowly rise up towards the sky, their view of Nimbasa growing grander.</p>
<p>N sighs happily, captivated by the landscape of the city, and the machinery around them, lifting them high towards the clouds. He watches as the last of the orange and pinks from the sunset earlier, slowly sink below the horizon, and the clouds grow from warm pale yellows to soft whites. Dozens of different bird pokemon flood the sky, N almost getting lost in the view before being pulled back to reality.</p>
<p>“You talk slower.” Touya observes, surprising N; it was the first time today Touya had initiated a conversation.</p>
<p>“I’ve been working on it.” N smiles. “When you and you friend commented on it, I decided to make the effort to slow down.”</p>
<p>Touya smiles in response, and this time it stays there. “Thanks.” </p>
<p>N’s nerves burn with bliss, seeing Touya who was virtually dead at the start of the day, now sitting in front of him with a genuine smile on his face, even if it were for a few fleeting moments, still bought unspeakable joy to N. </p>
<p>Even if Touya’s eyes still were hollow, his skin still ghostly white and his hair were still full of knots and tangles.</p>
<p>It was only a moment of mania, and N knew that. Touya wasn’t cured, but he managed to crawl just that bit closer out of the deep, dark hole of depression. N could see the light at the end of the tunnel for Touya, but knew it’s always easier to see the finishing line as a spectator.</p>
<p>The two of them shared a quite conversation, N sharing stories of his adventures outside of Unova, as the wheel continued its operation, carrying them up 100 feet or so in the air before slowly lowering them back down a dozen or so times, before their time on it was up and they were eventually let off the ride. </p>
<p>They both thanked the operators and they stepped out the exit gate for the ride. The two of them walk together down the path that ran back to the entrance of the park; N still rambling on with stories from other regions, as Touya silently listened on. Walking out the gate, they slowly make their way across the city, still too engrossed by the stories to give attention to anyone around them, before they finally stopped, deciding to rest outside the pokemon centre for a while. </p>
<p>Touya found a bench to sit and rest his legs at for a while, while N slipped into the pokemon centre, returning back after a few minutes with a soda on each hand, passing one off to Touya as he sat down.</p>
<p>They both sat next to each other sipping their sodas, occasionally speaking up to converse and talk about the shows they’ve watched or what N missed when he left Unova. </p>
<p>It didn’t take long before their drinks were emptied and for Touya to grow restless again, wanting simply to be back at home in his warm and comfy bed. N stood up and took both their emptied drink cans and threw them away at the bin a few feet from where they were, before turning to look at Touya to ask a question.</p>
<p>“Do you think it’s time to go home now?”</p>
<p>“Yeah,” Touya sighs, “It is.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I still hate these so much. <br/>Sorry but don't expect the next chapters to come any time soon, I've lost a lot of my writing inspiration recently. <br/>Tbh I don't even know where this will end.</p>
        </blockquote><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I apologize for any pacing issues, or general weird writing, I'm not very good at writing hole chapters, only parts of them.</p>
<p>I swear I will continue it and if I leave it for too long do be afraid to drop into my Instagram DMs to remind me.</p>
<p>My insta is @twistedrosalia</p></blockquote></div></div>
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